我想写下那胸中无法疏解的情绪

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五月一日，和之前只在网上聊过的L酱见面了。本来准备在赶火车前简单见一面，最终因为各种原因，单独择了一日相见。那晚分开后，接连几日我无法处理自己的情绪，胸口好像有什么聚集在那儿，让我时不时都会想起她。不是因为她漂亮，她很漂亮，但不是那种让我惊艳到的漂亮，何况我已经忘记了她的脸是什么样子，怎么回忆都好模糊好模糊。和她在一起的感觉，是此前从来没有过的吧？或许对小亮有过？但那也是2010年的事情了。又感觉和小亮完全不一样。似乎这种让我放下所有包袱，只想好好在一起聊天的，只有她一人。从头至尾，只有过这么一次。于是我想把这种情绪写下来，但是又不想用中文书写，因为从小到大中文语境给我的教育永远是压抑自己的情绪情感。所以用英语来书写，尝试把我胸中的那一大块情绪累积写出来。

Last few days I was trying to process this surge of emotions, and it just makes me even weaker to confront such strong feelings. I can feel in my chest something is trying to burst out. Of course not the kind feeling of having a Chestburster from 《Alien》, more like "something I cannot digest got stuck in my left chest" kind of feeling.

Weird thing, I can hardly remember her face. I still remember her wrist, soooo thin, and so are her fingers; I still remember her long earrings, and the dark dress she wore that day; I can even remember staring into her eyes while we're taliking. But her face is somewhat blur I cannot recall anymore. It does not matter what she looks like, I suppose. It's that feeling I cannot shake off.

Weird thing, I seem to have taken my ward off so soon as the second I met her in person. I can talk about anything with her, literally anything, about me, about my views of anything, about the books I read, about what I have done before, about my private past. Normally I would keep quiet about my own private things, before the mutual trust is completed constructed which usually takes more than two years. Normally I would deliberately not talk about the voyages I had. Cuz for someone talkative about his own past achievements, it is apparent that he already lost the one vital thing that keeps him trying new things and keeps his curiosity not dying with the aging. Normally I am the one talk less, because words are not reliable, and because one's words are easy targets to find his own deficiency. However, all these wards I had when dealing with other non-family people failed to run properly. It seems so natual to talk about anything, without worrying that anything I said may cause unease or embarrassment.

Weird thing, to be a listener seems not that unbearable anymore, while normally I need quite some time beling alone reading or watching something, just to recover from the exhausting daily social talk. What she said that day, and what I said, they are just trivial things I don't care a bit, though I still remember much of what we have talked about. What I truly cherish, is hearing she says whatever she says, is walking aside her aimlessly in some wild market without noticing where our feet are taking us, is sitting aside her in a square at late night neglecting the time may come that I would miss my last metro train.

I cannot process the feeling properly, cuz the method I usually use against my strong feelings seems not a functioning way anymore. After watching a wonderful movie, or reading some great stuff, sometimes I would have such feelings that something from the drama or book sticks. It sticks so I would dream about them, and would want to know more about it. Normally I just need to write down what I feel, the feeling would fade away. Cuz I know I have put it somewhere safe so I may get it another day. And so that I can go on my life without the burden. But this is not the case. I don't think it would fade just because I wrote some gabbage words. And it would actually be a worthless thing if I can really write it away. I fear so much that it would haunt me for the rest of my life if I did not let her know what I feel when I still have the chance.